If Wishes Were HorsesThen Beggars Would Ride

  How do you move on in life and from people that hurt you when everything you do in the endeavor fails you? My heart knows its happily ever after story; the fact that the story has to be rewritten for it has turned into a fairy tale, and the obviousness that one of the main characters in the story is faulted beyond its particular mending competency. Yet my heart lacks the preparedness and the capacity to fully surrender, abandon, and relinquish the love I possess to save me from the black hole that has embroiled me. On its own behalf, my heart reconstructed itself and assembled trap doors to forfend trespassers, after copious sorrow left me in peril. Through my life journeys and encounters, my internal security system has been on high alert continually quarantining even the trivial invasions. My heart never sanctioned anything or anyone accessible to its Achilles' heel that it alleged possible to corrupt my emotional barricades. For some reason or another my heart flew its doors wide open, cut the wires to its own caveat system, and pushed the reset button so that no triggers were perceptible. My heart left me at my most vulnerable, at all the unsuitable moments, and with the furthermost imperfectly iniquitous person. He has his own Armageddon of demons and under no circumstances is altogether acquiescent of compassion from others. Out of fears of his own, he could and would certainly not permit himself the pleasures of befitting emotional intimacy. Every time you reached his cordon using even the utmost delicate maneuvers, he receded like a crab to its shell. He has his personal apprehensions for love consequently dissimilar to my own, but alike in some references. Nonetheless, we both have two immensely different skill tactics for personal survival. Where affectionately romantic love destroyed him, I was running from my innermost dark experiences, my childhood, my struggles, and the unconditional love. In hopes of receiving his love to the same degree, as I involuntarily love him, I fought a war that I promised myself I never would allow to happen. In spite of everything, he did breach my core; there must be something to all these feelings, right. How obtuse I was for giving significance to him, when I was only one of the many miscellany choices he had. Even during the end days of my perilous battle when the time had come for my heart’s army to retreat, I still fought within myself. Praying and hoping he would run after and fight for me. How foolish my heart was to believe that he would choose me, love me, fight for me, stand up and have faith like me. Once he protruded my personal sanctuary, he won me over and I was putty in his unbeknownst hands. I confided in him things that I by no means confessed to a single soul. I trusted him more than I had anyone else in a very long time. He saw straight through my independently formidable facade from the beginning. Yet I never legitimately became close with anyone in an attempt to hide how reclusive I made myself, out of fear from the lifelong pain, grudges, and the torment that dwelled within me. Come what may, I have to learn to let go of everything I painstakingly clutch onto and inaugurate a new me, de novo. I am demolishing the cold dead rebuild of that security mechanism in my heart. It did not keep me unscathed or exultant in the past and I deem it incapable for the future as well. Therefore, I am pulling off the band-aid exposing my wounds in all their glory, crossing my fingers that the healing process does not cause scars, but perfectly beautiful new skin. I am no stronger than I ever was, but maybe if I stop running for once, I can attain what God had in store for me all along.

 

Chasity