It seems like it has been a lifetime since I have been able to put my thoughts into words and the past week my mind has been restless in its attempt to hide my emotions. Therefore, my apologies in advance if it comes out scattered. Whatever the reason, the rage within me has been growing stronger towards an invisible ghost I cannot identify. They say that if you can forgive and forget that you can move on. What if the knife that caused my wound is lost and the person that murdered my soul has gotten away with murder. Will I be left wondering this earth in search of my peace for all eternity? Will there ever be a whole person within me again. No matter how hard I try to find the hidden clues to the answer I am in search of, I hit a dead end. I have found myself in numerous conversational circles about my purpose in this life, my past, and I always find myself back at the end of the line in this game of a life I keep failing at. I am so tired of being told I sound like I have depression by the ones I open up to that I tend to stitch my lips until they are tightly sewn shut. I want answers for whatever has caused this blackout and if that makes me sound like a sad person then so be it, I will forever be “depressed” until I know why it is that I am not whole. I need peace and my peace lies somewhere in my past that has disappeared into oblivion. It makes no sense in my mind how I can remember such horrid things from my past, yet there are massive holes in my memory bank of time I no longer have record of. I want the truth of whatever my mind is hiding from me to surface already, but I have no idea where to start. Every effort I have thought would help unlock my mystery has failed thus far. Maybe my fury is being fueled by the mystery I have yet to uncover and my trepidations that I may be stuck in the eye of this storm blinded by all that reticently lurk around me inevitably. I have tried walking through this process on my tiptoes not to step on the land mines that I could set off, afraid that letting details slip where I might infuriate others herein no personal defeat. Pandora’s box unfortunately needs to be unlocked with a skeleton key and not twisted like a Rubik’s cube. Unambiguously, either I cannot do this alone or I have to commit fully to myself no matter my qualm of the outward acceptance.
The murky past may make the treacherous roads of the future a nauseating journey, but hopefully I will soon learn if it is true what they say about in the end an easy road not being as rewarding as one buffed and worked into all its glory. Through all the mistakes and horrible mishaps I have encountered in my life, I have let go of regret and have learned to live one day at time and hold no grudge against myself for my faults or other’s. I have finally realized there is a great difference between what an actual regret is and the want/need to change the past. For so long I was baffled by the strange question, what are my biggest regrets and if I could, would I change them. Of course, I have done things in the past that I wish never happened and yes, if in that time if I were to be able to see the effects it would cause; of course, I would have talked myself out of it all. With that said, if I changed every situation I botched, then I definitely would not be the person I am today and I wouldn’t be where I am at presently, no matter the details of this journey. Therefore, my laments will always be there irrefutably, but thankfully, without my mistakes I would never find my way through this journey God has in store for me, furthermore, I have no place for compunction. In the wake of my past, I will only look forward, through every action is some sort of blessing, I refuse to believe otherwise. No matter what happens, I am finding my happiness and a life reliving my repentances as if I have not been forgiven, is not the road I want to take. The path I travel is always going to have its ditches and mountains, but when my soul needs rest and nourishment, I have faith my God will provide me with a shade tree to regain strength and a stream to quench my thirst. With him I shall conquer all.
The murky past may make the treacherous roads of the future a nauseating journey, but hopefully I will soon learn if it is true what they say about in the end an easy road not being as rewarding as one buffed and worked into all its glory. Through all the mistakes and horrible mishaps I have encountered in my life, I have let go of regret and have learned to live one day at time and hold no grudge against myself for my faults or other’s. I have finally realized there is a great difference between what an actual regret is and the want/need to change the past. For so long I was baffled by the strange question, what are my biggest regrets and if I could, would I change them. Of course, I have done things in the past that I wish never happened and yes, if in that time if I were to be able to see the effects it would cause; of course, I would have talked myself out of it all. With that said, if I changed every situation I botched, then I definitely would not be the person I am today and I wouldn’t be where I am at presently, no matter the details of this journey. Therefore, my laments will always be there irrefutably, but thankfully, without my mistakes I would never find my way through this journey God has in store for me, furthermore, I have no place for compunction. In the wake of my past, I will only look forward, through every action is some sort of blessing, I refuse to believe otherwise. No matter what happens, I am finding my happiness and a life reliving my repentances as if I have not been forgiven, is not the road I want to take. The path I travel is always going to have its ditches and mountains, but when my soul needs rest and nourishment, I have faith my God will provide me with a shade tree to regain strength and a stream to quench my thirst. With him I shall conquer all.
Chasity
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