Lost In Preparation

  I have spent three entire days packing for my trip on Wednesday, for which I will be gone for at least two months and I am extremely overwhelmed with everything at this point. I have organized, packed and unpacked numerous times with no luck of contentment, weighed everything repetitively, placed everything in Ziploc bags that could perchance create a mess, put clothes in airtight travel compression type bags for more accommodation, etc. I have broken down crying twice today in my efforts to remain productive and sane in my efforts to get things prepared. My mind has been going non-stop since the whole trip has been finalized and now my happiness is turning into frustration and dejection. I am already missing my Milo, for who is my dog yet more like my child. Delaying in letting my brother and family know when I am leaving, since I am not up for any company and that guilt is killing me. I am apprehensive that I will get to my destination and be devoid of something I need or want that I ought to have packed that was forgotten or could not accommodate. Perturbed that the airline will lose my baggage and my things will be gone forever. I am already having panic attacks thinking that I will get on the airplane, which will be a sold out flight and crowded, which is a big problem for me. Worried that I will not get to the airport on time or not early enough to get on the plane before most. I am freaking out that I will get lost finding my way through the airport and have a breakdown in front of all those people that unfortunately happened last time. I have already read the entire airport website, analyzed the airport maps four times, and wrote out instructions for myself twice. I am losing my mind here, nothing is getting accomplished, and it is TUESDAY! I still have to pack and organize because at this point my baggage is busting at the seams and overweight. Amongst other things, I have read only two chapters of the book I am reviewing and that deadline is not to far off, I still have to bathe and give Milo his monthly medications, do laundry, dust and vacuum, go to the bank, and say my goodbyes that are looking out of the picture at this point. With all the stress I needed a moment to vent and relax and found this video which as funny as it may be only fed into my lost baggage anxiety. Happy Tuesday everyone and may all your future travels not be too insane!

Chasity

My Father Was Not A Glass Maker

     How do you shroud your lack of feelings or sensations from the outside world, so that your numbness and dearth of cerebral thoughts do not materialize? Never looking in the eyes of people who matter the most, for fear that they will see right through you to the hollow futility that resides. The only emotions you feel are seemingly egotistical in relevance, yet you lack the very fundamentals of being selfish in such a way. Elusive gestures and words portrayed in audacity likeness could not be more falsely interpreted. Incessantly masked indifference plastered all over your already veiled face for the expressions have melted away along with the emotions, leaving a concealed memento in its place. My perceptual self-atrocity streamlining through my veins conjoins with altered meta-cognition. Illogical psychological methods unremarkably bare the self-induced stupor of outlandish reactions to be expected in any given situation for meta-reasoning has taken over. The sullen visage welded to the once accurate and lively details without purpose of execution. I find it hard to comprehend, talking myself into circles of feverish nonsense in hopes of things to disentangle in the nadirs of my mind. For my inner thoughts are the only things continually working, leaving me maladroit in the hands of compassion and benevolence, deeming me a clandestine Nomad in a land of punitive detractors. The guise I have worn as a personal sanctuary has gradually mutated into a life altering costume of an inadequate junction with an unaccountable rationalization. I am stranded in limbo, unable to figure out how to amputate the pall that has implanted itself upon my essence at this point. I will not go down without a fight, for this transparent existance is no longer working for me any longer.

Chasity