Where do I even begin to start with this, without divulging to much or saying things I cannot take back…? All around are faces of deception at this point. I do not know if I have met my lifetime maximum of bullshit, or my mind is playing tricks on me. The only thing I know for sure is that mentally everyone around me is turning into whitewashing liars without my accession. It is beginning to ruin me mentally and I feel like a hideously paranoid person for it, when I know deep down it is not true, but that I am broken some how. I have always struggled with interpersonal relationships, but it seems now that I am an adult it has gotten even worse. Combine my seemingly unapologetic bluntness, the ever reigning fear of being alone and abandoned, my opinionated nature, my social inadequacies and phobias, the varying paranoia, and so on, I am like a bomb often ignited just waiting to explode. Although, I can come off as a callous person, if you truly knew how my mind works or experienced the thoughts I fight on a daily basis you would understand that I am quite the opposite. I hate being placed in a position where I feel like I have to justify myself all the time. I often feel like I am turning into that cold-hearted person that I am mistaken for, just for the fact I often have to explain myself mentally on a regular basis, as I frequently feel like I am just that as perceived emotionally. I fight an inner battle with myself all the time about everything I say, do, do not say, or do not do. I do not know exactly why I am the horrid person that people make me out to be. I feel nothing I do or say is right after the fact, I feel like I am trying to conquer the unconquerable in every situation. No matter how hard I try to fit in or how much I try to be normal, in the end I fail. I have given up on the impressions and the manual I once used on a regular basis for guidance now has smudged cup rings covering the way. I feel that no one understands me and vice versa and most importantly I am tired of people making me feel like I have to “baby proof” myself for others to be comfortable. I am tired of being maimed as the bad person in every situation and I am tired of fighting for what I think is justifiable only to find myself feeling worthless in the end and the inflictions of others beating me down. I do now why I am the way I am, and I do not know how to overcome things. I often feel that the strong voice I carry gets laryngitis when it comes to speaking upon emotional matters relating to myself. I can hold my own on matters that I have a passionate standpoint on, but the one thing I should fight for, myself, clarity has been lost in the quicksand. Have I never had a backbone, is that what is to blame here? I do not see this being the reasoning behind all this foolishness, because I have courage, I lack the voice to vocalize it. There are certain things in my past that have partly lead me to where I stand now emotionally and mentally. I do not like to think that my past is to blame, or that it has made me who I am. Although, I am beginning to realize that no matter how I feel, it has to be true to some extent. Very few people know of these things, because I believe so strongly that they hold no power over me, yet repeatedly I find myself back to those moments. I am tired of being the one to blame and I am tired of blaming myself. I am exhausted from the apologetic life I have lived and all I want at this very moment is to walk away from everything and everyone and give salvation to my life in hopes of a fresh start. It sickens me to think about leaving the ones closest to me in life, but at this moment, I do not know what else to do. I cannot see beyond the black and the white anymore.
Chasity
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