Nail In The Coffin

This is not going to be a regular post as to anything worth your time for insight or comfort, but things are not right in this moment. In May I went back to the doctor, a totally different one in hopes that if just one more person heard me, they would know how to fix me. Unfortunately the therapist you have to see before you get to the doctor for new patients well mine was a male and there are things in my past that hinder my judgement and paranoia upon the subject of speaking to a male therapist while being a female patient. So the entire thing was a bust and the doctor once more diagnosed me with Bipolar and an anxiety disorder. Long story short I was placed on a higher dosage of the clonazepam and a new one for me Tegretol. I had only been on the Tegretol for 12 days before the horrible allergic reaction prompted the abrupt dis-use of it further, but today and last night I have found myself in a horrible place. I looked up on the Internet to see if there were other withdrawals from it but none. I have tried going to the maximum dosage my doctor allowed for the Clonazepam, but not helping. It is like my mind is lost. I packed up all my couponing things (which I started a few months ago) almost threw everything away even my printer, instead I just threw it all in bags and slung in the bedroom. I am fighting the urge not to disappear tonight, somewhere that is far away where the serenity of the ocean air can calm my depressed mind. It took everything in my power to get out of bed today, to not throw anger at every passing soul, and to not chop my hair off or do anything else to cause more problems in my life at the moment. I see the doctor again this coming week for a new medication to try and the last time I was there I requested a female therapist which I cannot see till the very end of this month. But I feel my pleas to look further into my issues and not automatically label me as bipolar has been unheard again and I feel like I am becoming a human guinea pig. I do not like the person I am without meds and I hate the person I am with them and I feel like I am stuck in a catch 22 situation where everything I do affects others in some way and I stuck in this place where no one cares enough to take the time to believe me when I say there is more to this story I am trying to tell. You would think with the years of in and out doctors I have been to someone would put the pieces together unless my years of disguising everything has lead to my ultimate demise. At the current moment I have been drugged with 2mg of clonazepam and some other unknown anxiety medication I am too lazy to get up to tell you the name of and yet I am still sitting here 4 hours later unaffected. I honestly feel like I am ranting here but when you see a therapist which is quite alien to me since I have only been to 3 sessions my entire life and all three were flops in my opinion, I am not one to openly tell a stranger who has the authority to either commit me or get me arrested for my demons or the things inside my head, I am one of the most paranoid people I know and the whole little saying of the angel is on one shoulder and the devil is on the other, well my little devil murdered the angel back in adolescence and no matter how much good I do for others I feel my mind is the unconquerable evil. If it is not the rage growing within me, its the ill-patience that conjures it up, then you add all the hatred that boils, and the self reliant sinister hands I bare, my mind is full of creepily whimsical plans I try to fight off every moment of every day. Now you are probably worried I am some closeted murderer which in fact is the most opposite of the truth. My mind can think all these things, but because I do not act on them changes the game plan. So do you understand my dilemma. Talking to a therapist about my issues is quite difficult without coming across as a threat when in fact the threat is my self and my mind. I no longer have the highs and lows of Bipolar, I haven't been in what they call full blown mania in almost 5 years, I am somewhere stuck in the woods in a horror film of an invisible threat. I literally can be doing okay one moment and the next it is a different story. I cannot plan things in advance bc I never know how I am going to feel. Among all this and the paranoia I have to deal with this weird so you wanna call it OCD ticks I have. I hate germs and do not like touching people, will not kiss even family, not even from the same cup unless I absolutely have no other choice and even then I want to vomit, when I eat I have at least three baby bowls I eat out of bc none of my food can come in contact and I eat with a baby spoon and fork. I do not eat at buffets bc they are over run with germs and unsafe food handling. And if things are not available the way I need them to be I break down crying bcbc I am not making a difference. I wash fruits and veggies with dish soap and a scrubber. I use bleach to clean dishes and everything else I can get my hands and bleach on. Everything has to be an even number or my superstitions kick in and I cross my fingers and knock on would twice etc etc. I got a flu shot even though I am allergic to eggs even though I will not go near friends or family who are sick just because I am afraid I might get someone Else's germs in me. If I have to go to the store it takes me hours to get ready because I cannot go out in public without looking presentable meaning hair, make-up, jewelry, and dressed nice or I feel people are looking down on me or talking about me. Even then I think people are watching like big brother or the cameras in stores will think I am stealing something and falsely arrest me just because I am sweating and all red from the anxiety of being in public or just watching me in general. I literally hate seeing people I know in public and will do the whole duck and dodge method because I am dead set to get back to my safe zone asap. If someone smells weird, or passes gas I want to vomit because I could possibly be inhaling their germs. I brush, floss, and use mouthwash at least 5 times a day bc I am afraid of my teeth falling out etc. I mean literally before and  after I eat I do the whole routine even if I am going to go back for dessert and I will then repeat once again. If I am somewhere where I have to sit and wait I have to count ceiling tiles over and over again to make sure I know for certain how many there are and so that I do not have to make contact with others. The last doctor visit I went to I literally sat there staring at a blank tv that was turned off for over an hour while some old woman and man tried to engage me in conversation and the entire time I am grinding my teeth not to scream at them to leave me alone. Which makes no sense bc as a child and growing up I was told I was very outgoing and talkative to strangers or anyone who would listen, but that I could not tell you since I do not remember much of anything of my life before high school. Another weird thing is how much I love animals, but I can sit on the porch with a can of high potency bug killer and laugh as I kill all kinds of bugs, maybe that is because I am so petrified of them and killing them gives me gratitude that they can no longer get in my house or what but craziness non the less. I don't know if this will help me any by getting some of this crap off my mind or if it will only harm the thoughts of others towards me, at this time is life my mood will alter back and forth and this entire post has been nothing more than ramblings back and forth about stupidity but my mood right now is oh well.

Chasity