By the Tides of Time

  The formidable reality had burst out from behind unlocked doors and shot out my knees, before I had time to run. I have loved, rapt, lost, retreated, and stood in the midst of love’s Switzerland far too long for an undeserving someone. The one person who I allowed into my world, who was the lighthouse through my storms and who made me a better person has shot me like a merciless heart assassin. The only person I have ever felt completely safe with had precast me like a soulless prize, until I was no longer recognizable. Susceptible me in his strong minded hands, he has relentlessly thrown me in his soiled trophy case of defeated hearts. I should have bulldozed the withstanding swamp harbor of hope I held for him. How could I have believed that standing at the sidelines would ever help me let go and move on, when it only made him believe I would always be there. I have never been one to maintain friendships with former beaus, yet I made a compromise with myself. Seeing as I formally absconded when things started exploiting my fundamental armor, I loved him and seriatim was the contradiction of what I desired. I did not bench myself in hopes of letting myself back in the game, but in waiting for the game to end. Regrettably, I was unaware that the game was not being played on the field, but in the courtyard in which I stood. Sacramental romanticism he seeped into my pores to cloud my judgment. That all changed when I wiped off the varnished glasses and I saw right through the fog of smut. It was not all fabrication, but exactly when the fictional book opened for me to read from I am not certain. Perhaps it really was not all lies toward the end, maybe equivocation lead us to the edge looking over. All I know is that I sojourned for him and bluntly, he faced me with the courage of inhumanness to take what would be his last shot at me by expressing he found “the one“. This demolished the memories for me, it broke-down all the feelings I ever cherished. The person I fought so austerely for, who no longer believed he could be loved nor that he was capable of loving anyone more than he already had. Where and when did the transformation occur? When did all the feelings regarding me dissipate? Where did we go wrong and how can he not have the courage to pronounce the love he had for me, but enunciate the love for someone else? Did I really just waste almost two years of my life in a relationship with a person I have been friends with for nearly four… From the beginning, we played each other like the London Symphony Orchestra until our fingers bleed. We were both virtuoso enchanters in the game of love, but in the end, no one would survive the composition our melodies were creating. We were both to vehemently dynamic for each other‘s well-being. Our crescendos intensified beyond our control and the prestidigitator symphony turned into a mosh pit venue of annihilation. I remained motionless at the bank of negation for the despondency and desolation to recede like the tranquil waves of the ocean; I had no more fight left in me. I feel subjugated and emotionally molested for what I sanctified. The administratering of reclamation has been set in motion; I have ultimately cut ties and severed lifelines.

Chasity