The days since I conjured up the "splendid" idea to start my new blog journey, I have felt like there is a humongous change wafting in the air, like that first scent of salt when you‘re only miles away from the ocean. I do not know yet what it is exactly, it is little things so far, but I can feel it. I am not sure if it will be a favorable change, but I am trying to look at the positive. I intend for this blog to emanate from every part of me. I want to be able to pour everything I hold inside, out. My premeditation for this blog was for it to fundamentally be my tell all. I am not writing this blog to superimpose myself, to intersperse myself for other’s ridicule, or for people to repute me shoddily for what I disclose. I do so to facilitate my voyage into the unknowns of what I suppress and maybe help inform others, but I welcome all comments positive or negative. In doing this, the grail is not to infringe or aggrieve upon anyone, or to ruin any relationships I may have. I believe that the things in my life, in my past, in my thoughts, and in my emotions need an outlet. I need to let it all out; I have to get rid of it all. I know that this is not literally possible, unless someone plans on inflicting serious damage upon me to cause amnesia…hoping that is not the case though. To be able to move on, to discover and regain oneself it is only rational and logical thinking that, one would undress from what is clothing them and what is withholding them, correct. If not then you are on a continuous fight against the current in a tsunami. In saying all this, I also have to put out there that, I believe that I should not feel guilty or worried about what I make known because it is what it is. This is my testimony. They are my feelings, not yours and I cannot change how I feel on any matter until I get it out. My viewpoints are exactly that, my own and everyone is entitled to their own. Plus I see it this way, I have damn near lost everyone in my life already, so what do I really have to lose...? Besides the utter fact, I have not offered for the biggest role players the opportunity to have the chance to learn about the secrets I hold. I am not certain I am ready for that storm to begin to brew yet. It sucks being on the fence out of fear.
Dim Sum: Touch the Heart
Puzzle piece number one is an ironic one since it shall be my first issue to discuss. I am finally admitting my number one flaw, something I never let myself fall victim to, if at all possible. It is one thing that I despise in others for the simple fact that I avoid it all costs. It was inscribed in me from childhood to see as a character flaw. A simple word that grasps my fear mechanism by the horns. Something that is one of the biggest roots to other problems and negative things about me. So throw out everything you have ever learned or read because I am about to blow your fucking mind... Weakness is the word and it means to need. Now I know the Webster Dictionary does not tell you this, but everything I ever learned through my life has installed this definition in my brain. Weakness is something I cannot own up to, even though I see myself as the weakest person I know. I never admit it to anyone and I would have previously gone to my grave with only one person ever knowing. My core is entirely full of weaknesses, yet I strive so hard for this not to be true. I grew up believing that simply needing was weakness. I hate asking for anything and I am a terribly independent person, I will break my back before I admit I need help with anything. Needing is not only a weakness; I believe it is a sign of failure. Just like the dictionary in my head references weakness to need my brain was also installed with a link between need and failure. As a child my goal was to strive for excellence in fear of letting my parents down because it would mean I was a failure. Failure is something I know all to well and to the point where not trying anymore because if you do not try then you can never fail. Then it continues to go down the line, failure being linked to ignorance so forth and so on. Ignorance is not something I am accepting of at all; in fact, it annoys me down to the bone. Exactly how my brain registers all this information the way it does confuses the hell out of me. I know there are facts to disprove my logic, but it does not change anything in the end. Along the way, I have secluded myself from anyone close to me in fear of the weakness I would show for caring. In doing so, I am losing myself as well. To teach yourself not to care is one of the hardest and most ridiculous things one can do to themselves. In my life, I have kept so many things secret out of fear that it has finally made me numb to everything perpetually, I believe. I am the most complex person I know, to be so secluded when it comes to my most personal feelings, yet be so honest and open about everything else. It did not end there I am sad to report. Banishing my inner most feelings in the end stole away my empathy, compassion, and affection as well. The wall I built for my own protection ended up killing me, would that be considered an accidental emotional death or an emotional suicide? Either way I fucked myself over and the only person that tried resuscitating me I gave up on in the end. That is a whole other blog, for another time when I can bear the salted wound. For now, I will give my farewell salutations and bid you a goodnight!
Therefore, in celebration of a hopefully positive change, so that I can get back to me, I post this song. Now I know this version does not hale to the late, great, and the original Sam Cooke, but this version fits me. Enjoy!
Dim Sum: Touch the Heart
Puzzle piece number one is an ironic one since it shall be my first issue to discuss. I am finally admitting my number one flaw, something I never let myself fall victim to, if at all possible. It is one thing that I despise in others for the simple fact that I avoid it all costs. It was inscribed in me from childhood to see as a character flaw. A simple word that grasps my fear mechanism by the horns. Something that is one of the biggest roots to other problems and negative things about me. So throw out everything you have ever learned or read because I am about to blow your fucking mind... Weakness is the word and it means to need. Now I know the Webster Dictionary does not tell you this, but everything I ever learned through my life has installed this definition in my brain. Weakness is something I cannot own up to, even though I see myself as the weakest person I know. I never admit it to anyone and I would have previously gone to my grave with only one person ever knowing. My core is entirely full of weaknesses, yet I strive so hard for this not to be true. I grew up believing that simply needing was weakness. I hate asking for anything and I am a terribly independent person, I will break my back before I admit I need help with anything. Needing is not only a weakness; I believe it is a sign of failure. Just like the dictionary in my head references weakness to need my brain was also installed with a link between need and failure. As a child my goal was to strive for excellence in fear of letting my parents down because it would mean I was a failure. Failure is something I know all to well and to the point where not trying anymore because if you do not try then you can never fail. Then it continues to go down the line, failure being linked to ignorance so forth and so on. Ignorance is not something I am accepting of at all; in fact, it annoys me down to the bone. Exactly how my brain registers all this information the way it does confuses the hell out of me. I know there are facts to disprove my logic, but it does not change anything in the end. Along the way, I have secluded myself from anyone close to me in fear of the weakness I would show for caring. In doing so, I am losing myself as well. To teach yourself not to care is one of the hardest and most ridiculous things one can do to themselves. In my life, I have kept so many things secret out of fear that it has finally made me numb to everything perpetually, I believe. I am the most complex person I know, to be so secluded when it comes to my most personal feelings, yet be so honest and open about everything else. It did not end there I am sad to report. Banishing my inner most feelings in the end stole away my empathy, compassion, and affection as well. The wall I built for my own protection ended up killing me, would that be considered an accidental emotional death or an emotional suicide? Either way I fucked myself over and the only person that tried resuscitating me I gave up on in the end. That is a whole other blog, for another time when I can bear the salted wound. For now, I will give my farewell salutations and bid you a goodnight!
Therefore, in celebration of a hopefully positive change, so that I can get back to me, I post this song. Now I know this version does not hale to the late, great, and the original Sam Cooke, but this version fits me. Enjoy!
Chasity
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Thank you very much for your comments, it gives me great pleasure being able to share with you and recieving my reader's feedback. I try to respond as soon as possible to all of my readers, but please do not get discouraged if it takes a day or two. At the moment, I am working on a weekly regular Blog posting idea (ex. "Not Me Monday" or "Thirsty Thursday"). If you have any proposals for ideas, I would be more than grateful to hear what my readers would enjoy. God bless and I hope you have a wonderful day!
Ciao,
The Girl Under the Silver Lining