Have you ever had one of those days where you were not fully there? Where it feels like something about you is nonexistent, but you do not know precisely what it is. I have so many of those days lately. Where I wake up, but somehow part of me is stagnantly sleeping in the bed that I crawled out of, as if a section of my brain has become a narcoleptic. I tend to feel this way when I am in what I call my “Transition Time”, the time between “normal” and falling into a depression or flying into a manic phase. Although, I am not transitioning, I am just stuck in this non-existence state for what seems like forever now. Sometimes…ok I will be honest more often than I care to admit I wish to truly be normal, for the state of things inside my head gets to be such a burden. I am superfluously aware that I am aberrant and as unconventionally abnormal as they come and I accept that fact. I am made well aware of this verity with every day that goes by, since departing the “Mental Illness Sequester” and letting the unfeigned yours truly be ascertained. In spite of everything, I get lost within my head with the ever-changing moods, likes/dislikes, ideas, and thoughts that are consistently steamrollering there way from different structural cortex lobes by way of the old school paper cups telephone game. Completely befuddled with indecisive dithering. Everyday is full of a million diverse mental changes that I was unaware had been annexed before I awoke. Every time I read a medical description of Bipolar disorder, I want to grab a permanent marker and scribble in uppercase letters the unwritten symptoms and the other Bipolar “side effects” that no PhD is adept to explain. As well, I am personally tired of our society jokingly or pejoratively labeling every person with a moody disposition, piss-poor attitude problem and such as Bipolar or a Jekyll/Hyde. Mental illness is no laughing matter, but with that said, there are days when I would rather laugh at my own mishaps than cry myself a river that I cannot paddle myself through, as hypocritical as that seems. Furthermore, I do have a habit of holding a misanthrope viewpoint unwillingly, but thankfully I have almost mastered being a dissembler; I will make you believe my subliminal lies.
Appreciatively, I have a best friend who I completely trust, love, and can tell pretty much anything to without judgment, which is highly surprising for someone like me who does not trust anyone more than I can throw them. One for whom can and will be forthcoming when I unknowingly let my freak flag fly to high or when I need to shut my mouth, since the way my mind works often overrides the clemency threshold of others. So often, I feel like a burden even on my best days, because others should not be forced to guard themselves from me. However, with utmost respect, I do not believe anything I do or say warrants me with a rude or malicious disposition. I see myself as a straight to the point, sincere person, and one who does not put up with the bullshit others so easily overlook. Maybe it is my ego, maybe it is my own denial, who really knows… Not me, I am as lost in this bipolar triangle as you are my friends. Do you know where your genetic nature ends and where your influential nurture begins?
Chasity
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